A Rejection of Mediocrity

What does He know that we don’t
What grand design is this
To break apart hearts
Dashing our dreams
Making the precious obscene

In Him, our promise is true
In Him, all things are new
In Him, we can see
In Him, we’ll be
In Him forever secure

I wrote you a letter
Things could be better
Full of promises, eager hopes and dreams
Did you get it
Have you read it
It talks about you and me
And the future, you see
Something no one can do
Is take the place of you
Can’t you see you’re one of a kind

Child, you’re like a star
Set apart
Set apart from the start of the world
This is your time
Rise and shine
Child, you’re one of a kind

Sometimes everything’s too much
Like the deepest cut
It hurts to be touched
When you hear it
If you feel it
Don’t let it have its way
I’m trying to say
Something no one can do
Is take the place of you
Oh can’t you see you’re one of a kind

Child, you’re like a star
Set apart
Set apart from the start of the world
This is your time
Rise and shine
Child, you’re one of a kind

I know it’s hard to hear promises
When the blue has turned to grey
Nobody said it was easy
But I know you’ll find your way

I would have never thought, just two short months ago, that I’d be where I am today. I couldn’t have imagined it four months ago, or 6 months ago, or 10 months ago.

A year ago, I embarked on a journey that seemed so filled with hope and promise and beauty. I truly fell in love, for the first and only time in my life. And in a combination of foolishness and frustration and confusion and mistakes, I lost the one thing in my life that I hold the dearest.

Should we hold true love dear above our walk with Christ? Of course not. Should it define everything we are? No. Should we give up everything we know in pursuit of it? I think so.

I used to think that stress and depression and worry were things that weak people faced. I didn’t think that any reasonable person would – could – feel this way. But I learned that until you truly care about something, you can’t be hurt by losing it. And once you know what caring really means, you’re able to understand hurt unlike anything you’d ever imagined.

I feel like a man who was awakened from peaceful slumber by a swift, solid punch in the groin. And as if more blows came quickly before I’d even had time to reel.

Should I have been asleep? No. That’s one problem, for sure. “A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest, and disaster will come upon you swiftly.”

When I originally picked out a name for this blog – years ago – I meant to say “Complacency”, not “Mediocrity”. It turns out that complacency is a worse master than mediocrity. You can have a life that’s far from mediocre, but still fall into complacency without realizing it.

Sometimes the consequences of complacency are deadly. And sometimes, they aren’t – instead, they cut you to the heart and drain you of life until death would be a welcome escape. Until your very existence is limited to a few things that you know that you repeat over and over through sobs.

Words like these never meant as much to me as they do now:

Shall I take from your hand blessings
Yet not welcome any pain
Shall I thank you for days of sunshine
Yet grumble in days of rain

Yesterday, Christmas Eve, my brother wanted to play me in chess. I’m pretty good at chess, as long as I’m not distracted. But I remembered the last time I played chess, and it was too much.

I recklessly threw pieces to my brother left and right – he happily took all the opportunities I gave him. I laid out moves for him with ruthless resolve. Then, right when he thought he was about to win, and my king was all but alone on the board, I savagely made a last move, forcing him to stalemate me.

I felt so ashamed. He just wanted to play a game with his big brother, but I made it a metaphor for my agonized state. Like that king, I’m alone. And any move I make will kill me, but I’m not finished. It’s a painful place to be.

I haven’t stopped caring – I care more than ever. I haven’t stopped loving or hoping. And the odds don’t even matter any more. But that doesn’t make it easy.

All I have is hope and trust in God and love for someone. It’s enough to get me through. But not much more.

God is able to put broken, beautiful hearts back together. He gives grace upon grace. I trust Him.

Merry Christmas.

David

Snow filters down
Blanketing earth again
Fallen leaves hide
Their pain and doubt obscured
Another year
Passed by in a deep rush

Chilled hearts beat slow
Steady, but soft; struggling
Still echoing
Bygone, sacred tattoos
Strength for each day
Wrought by tomorrow’s hope

But melting snow
Reveals no coming spring
No greenery
Only cold, muddy sod
‘Tis twilight still
Dawn seems so distant now

“Another year”
“Another season passed”
But this season
Doesn’t pass; only lands
This sense of loss
Some things ought to remain

Bright lights and trees
Sing of joy and Christmas
But mud beneath
Distorts the look of peace
Can Christmas come
When treasured love must hide?

Unless a seed
Falls to the ground and dies
It will not bear
A fruit that truly lasts
But this death hurts
Can’t breathe; must break this fall

Under the snow
Dreams still lie, shattered, torn
This cold blanket
Does nothing to move them
Just covering
Hiding the pain for now

Still the earth waits
So frozen in its grief
Angst and questions
Weighing down icy hours
The seeds of spring
Still waiting, still so cold

Such is winter
This season in our life
Though we can’t see
What He’s preparing now
Someday spring’s sun
Will melt the snow: new hope

A summer gone
The fall, marked with longing
Winter with hurt
Spring too distant to see
But light will come
Shine love unrelenting

David